Losing it
Are you ready?
Deciding to have sex for the first time is an important decision. Most people, whether lesbian, gay, bisexual or straight, want their first time to be special and this involves giving it some thought and talking to your partner.
The first time is different for everybody. The only way to make sure it is going to be a positive experience is to make sure you are both happy with the decision after you’ve talked it through and that you have thought about STIs and got contraception sorted.
For some people the first time isn’t amazing, even if you are both totally sure. It might be painful and there might even be some bleeding during vaginal or anal sex, but that’s nothing to worry about unless it keeps happening. If you take it slowly, try to relax and just keep talking things through and communicate with each other this will help.
Make sure you include some foreplay to get you both in the mood and use lubrication as this can help a lot. Just remember, however far you get, you can still change your mind and try it again later.
How do I know if I’m ready?
•You can say no and your boyfriend/ girlfriend will be ok with that
•You are not feeling pressured by your boyfriend/girlfriend or other friends to do it
•Your boyfriend/girlfriend is ready too and you have talked about it together
•You have talked about protecting yourself against STIs (condoms/ dams) and/or pregnancy (contraception) and you’ve got it sorted
•You have talked about who you will tell after
•You can have fun together without anything sexual being involved but you have also tried out other things to turn each other on first
•You’re doing it because you want to and not to keep up or please others
•You really fancy your boyfriend/girlfriend
Even if you can say ‘yes’ to all of these, but you’re still unsure, it doesn’t mean you have to. You’ll know deep down when it’s right for you.
Most young people wait until they are 16 and many wait till later.
Sex can be amazing, pleasurable and a great way to feel really close to someone, but only if both people are happy and feel safe.
Fact! The average age of first sex in the UK is 16
What if I regret it?
Some young people do regret the first time they’ve had sex. These can be some of the reasons they regret it:
•They felt pressured to have sex
•They put pressure on someone else to have sex
•They didn’t completely agree to it and felt out of control
•They were drunk or stoned
•They didn’t even like the other person
•It didn’t happen like they imagined
•It hurt or they bled after sex
Fact! Out of young people who had first time sex at 13 and 14, 67% of boys regretted it and 84% of girls regretted it.
2002 National survey of Sexual Health Attitudes and Lifestyles (NATSAL), Johnson, Wellings et al
Is it normal to hurt the first time or bleed?
Sex isn’t always going to be fantastic like it is in the movies or in porn, and everyone is very different. For some the first time can be painful (we’re talking vaginal or anal). If you trust the person you are going to have sex with you can work through these things. Doing other things together can build this trust and develop intimacy. Some girls will bleed due to the hymen breaking but this is also normal.
Is it normal for guys not to last that long?
For some guys sex can be over quicker than they wanted which can be embarrassing. If you are with someone that you trust and care for, you can talk about this together. If you’re really concerned then you can always talk to a doctor or nurse at a sexual health service.
How can I make sure it’s going to be good for me and my partner?
Talk about it! before, during and after. Explore together what you both like and tell your boyfriend/girlfriend what feels nice, while listening to what turns them on.
Before deciding to have sex many people do other things first which is sometimes known as foreplay, however doing this doesn’t mean you always have to go all the way.
Don’t put pressure on them if they are not ready and talk to them if you feel like they are pressurising you. Rushing into sex is not always going to be a pleasurable experience and this is often when things like condoms and contraception can be forgotten which can add to your worries.
If you are worried there are people you can talk to. There are many services that can advise and support you in Bristol. It doesn’t matter whether you are lesbian, gay, bisexual, heterosexual (straight) or not even sure yet- these services are there to help and support you.
Do I have to do it again?
Even if you’ve had sex and it wasn’t great and you don’t want to do it again, you don’t have to! Whether you’ve done it once or a hundred times, you can chose to take time out and wait until you feel ready again.
At the end of the day, sex should feel good and be fun, but you need to make sure you have everything else in place to make sure this is how it is for you.
Alcohol, drugs and the first time
Let’s face it, the first time can be really scary but taking drugs or alcohol won’t make it better! For blokes it can stop them getting an erection and for both boys and girls it can effect judgement and behavior.
If you think you need to take drugs or drink before having sex, the chances are you’re not ready. Speak to your partner and chat about waiting. Or, if you are ready but really nervous, think about taking it slowly.
We’ve got a whole page on alcohol, drugs and sex for more advice and information.
Or, for more information about drugs or alcohol specifically visit Opening Doors or Talk to Frank.
Feeling under pressure? Not sure you really want to be doing any of these things? Don’t worry, this is really common. Just remember that it’s your body and your choice when and where sexy stuff happens. It can be fun and exciting, but only when it’s a positive choice for you and the person you’re doing it with. If someone cares about you, they’ll wait. If they don’t, they’re not worth being with’. Remember, the legal age of consent is 16. Read more here.
