Sexual Identity
How to talk to children about lesbian, gay and bisexual people
There is no particular time when parents should bring up the subject of sexuality with their children. It may come up naturally if something on television or in the news sparks their curiosity. Parents then have a chance to respond to comments or questions asked, in a positive but age-appropriate way.
It is important to remember that children learn by example, no-one is born homophobic, so the way you answer your children’s questions is crucial to their continuing positive thought processes if they are going to think positively about sexual identity. So it will help if you have thought about how you feel about these issues before you are asked any questions. Who we find attractive is like any other aspect of our lives that is ruled by personal taste: people like different things and different people.
Your child may be asking questions because he or she is questioning their own sexuality, and therefore may be trying to ‘get a feel’ for your thoughts on issues of sexual orientation. So always find out why they are asking, and what they already think or know. The best policy is always to be honest, answering as simply as is appropriate and giving information on the specific question asked, especially when talking to very young children.
If you feel you can’t answer because you need more informed information, tell them but say you will find out and get back to them.
An excellent book is What if someone I know is gay? (answers questions about what it means to be lesbian and gay) written by Eric Marcus. Other books for children can be found on the Amazon website. Alternatively, try No Outsiders at: http://www.nooutsiders.sunderland.ac.uk/teachres/books-and-films/
Parent’s or carers reaction to having a lesbian, gay or bisexual child
For some parents and carers who are totally unprepared for this development in their child, the general reaction is one of shock and bewilderment. Some blame themselves and don’t know how to cope.
First responses to hearing the news are so important. Your child will need a signal that you still love him or her, no matter what. Whether this is done in words or deeds, it is the start of getting things right, so do make sure they know. It is important to listen to your child too –all young peoples’ greatest fear is one of rejection, particularly by parents and family members, so telling you is a huge moment in their lives, they need to be believed, loved and supported.
Some parents or carers are fine when they hear the news, often it is not a surprise, they probably had been guessing for some time. For parents or carers who need support accepting a child’s sexual identity, it can be really helpful to talk to other parents or carers who have gone through this experience, read as much information as possible but most importantly, keep the communication channels with your child fully open.
It may help to ask yourself: “If my child had been born with different colour hair or eyes, would s/he be any less precious to me? Would I love them any less? Would I reject them just because they don’t like the same food, music, movies or games I like? So, why should I love her/him any less because she/he loves people of the same sex?
Finally, teach your child to respond without anger or spite to those who insult them for their sexuality, but instead remind them that hate of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people (called ‘homophobia’) is against the law, just like racism.
